"So I dig, deep in the belly of my soul"

Throughout the last few months, I have had an interest in learning more about Reiki and experiencing it firsthand. I've been practicing some of my own meditation and self care rituals, but I wanted to add a Reiki experience to my list of practices. So, today I went to my first Reiki session and it was better than I imagined. 

My Reiki master was very thorough. I was there for just slightly over two hours for the actually Reiki session and an intuitive reading afterwards that dug deep into my many layers and how to move forward. Best of all, she recorded the reading so I can hear her explanations again to remember things. She is also emailing me a report. I'm not going to go into all of the details of my reading, but I will share some of the highlights.

Who Am I?

If you have been following my blog, you may recall one of my latest blog posts that dug into the question of "Who Am I?" a little bit. It turns out that I need to do just that. According to my Reiki master, she said that right now I'm so full of what others expect me to be or what others think I am. But I need to dig down deep within myself to figure out what makes me ME. If you would have seen the look on my face!!! 

Another thing worth mentioning was that I'm supposed to be doing something BIGGER. What that is, I do not know. She asked me if I had any idea what it would be if I wasn't teaching. I told her about my passion for music and that I recently started a blog. She said that what I'm doing could be a stepping stone for something big to come. My energy field was just so huge and bright that it was "too big for my body and for what I'm doing in my life." 

She unveiled some of my fears that she got from the reading. I had mentioned to her that I am so full of anxiety sometimes that I don't even know where it is coming from. She found that I have a fear of not having enough time to do everything that I want and need to do. I also have a fear of failure. Both are true. I'm always rushing around, talking a mile a minute, as if there isn't enough time for everything. And yes, I'm always extremely hesitant of breaking out of my comfort zone for fear of failure.

The final thing from the reading that I want to share is that from my solar plexus down, she could not get any reading. There were no vibrations. I then shared with her that when I meditate, I visualize so vividly and I can feel its effects. However, my legs end up feeling like lead! She said I need to start doing some yoga to begin opening up those other chakras.

So....now what?!

I need use everything that I have gained from this reiki experiences to my benefit. But where to start? Well, I definitely need to come up with a plan:

• Get into a good yoga routine.
• Dig down deep to know and understand who I really am
• Find some good throat and heart chakra meditations to open them up even more
• When I start to feel the onset of anxiety arising, I need to face it head on and pick it apart to figure out what the actual trigger is. 

Life's Music Connection:

Now Playing: 

Maggie Koerner - "Dig Down Deep"

Album: Dig Down Deep EP

Let me introduce you to a powerhouse of a woman vocalist, Miss Maggie Koerner. I fell in love with her the first time I saw her live in Pompono Beach, Florida, back in April 2017. I remember the moment she opened her mouth to sing, the world around me stood still. I got chills. The only thing that existed at that moment in time was her voice and her lyrics. 

Maggie Koerner
CrawDebauchery Food and Music Festival
Pompano Beach, Florida
April 2017

Me and Maggie Koerner
World Cafe Live
Philadelphia, PA
September 18, 2019

Her music has really helped me through a lot since then. To be quite honest, I listen to her a lot at school after I put the children on their buses just to release any anxieties of the day. Certain artists speak to me. It's like they know what is going on in my head and their music is my antidote for any stress that I'm feeling.

So, the simple answer to many of my questions has been there all along. It was right in front of my face the entire time. It has been playing through my car, phone, and home speakers multiple days of the week. And yet I never REALLY listened to what Maggie was saying: 

"What do you say once in the light of day
What do you find once give in to time
So I did, so I dig, down in the belly of my soul
Dig down deep, deep deep deep
Deep in the belly where I lay"
-Maggie Koerner, "Dig Down Deep"

My Reiki master told me today that the reason I'm so exhausted is because I'm constantly trying to consciously figure things out within myself. That is what is draining all of the energy out of me. This whole time I thought I was exhausted from trying to block out negativity. The truth is, I need to stop trying to CONSCIOUSLY figure things out because it is deeper than that. Instead it needs to be done on a subconscious level. How? Maybe meditation. She even suggested using some singing bowls since I respond so well to music and sound.

I'm very glad I tried out Reiki today. The funny thing is, now that I am more aware of myself, my chakras, and my energy field, I have even more questions about myself. 

But, isn't that what always happens? Life can be such a puzzle sometimes. But I'll continue to piece together what makes me ME.

"Every day can be a better day, despite the challenge"

Today started of fantastic! I sent some tweets out on my Twitter account to help get my blogging out. I also posted on my Facebook page, asking my followers what their go-to songs are that get them up and going in the morning. Some shared some fun songs that I listened to and pumped me up even more. I needed it for our last day of virtual school before Thanksgiving break!

Yesterday I reached out to the parents and asked them to share with me their child's and their own go-to songs to lift up their moods and make them happy. I plan on adding these songs to my Classroom Playlist that I keep on my Amazon Music account. I stream the songs for the students as they arrive in our Google Meet and wait for others to join. I was happy to see that one parent shared with me a song that their child loves. There is no foul language in the song, which is great. But there are a couple lyrics that may deem  "inappropriate."

I played the song when the child arrived in the Google Meet and his face lit up! I tried to end the song early enough before any lyrics that may be questionable. All of the students were bobbing their heads along to the music...it was adorable! I told the class that their one classmate (we will refer to him as "R") requested the song. So many of them said that they knew the song and loved it! I reminded them to have their parents send me a song that makes them happy so we can start off the day happy and upbeat. Mindset is everything when starting the day. If we are in the wrong mindset first thing in the morning, it will end up being a struggle for the rest of the day for ALL of us.

"R's" Requested Song: Post Malone & Swae Lee - "Sunflower (Spider-man - Into the Spider-verse)"

After enjoying "R's" song, I told them that I wanted to introduce them to a song that always makes me feel good. This song reminds me of summer and warms me up!

New Classroom Playlist Track: 

Surfaces - "Sunday Best"
Album: Surfaces - "Where The Light Is"

🎵"Every day can be a better day, despite the challenge
All you gotta do is leave it better than you found it

It's gonna get difficult to stand, but hold your balance

I just say whatever 'cause there is no way around it"🎵

-Songwriters Forrest Frank and Colin Padalecki 

I told them to REALLY listen to the lyrics. I would like for all of you reading this to do the same. It has an incredible message. Surfaces' music always has a positive message. They never sing about anything negative. They use their music and their voices to lift you up. Their words are a good reminder to all of us to emit positivity and love with everything we do. No matter what life throws at us, we will get through it. We will all have our struggles, but it is part of life.

I connected this with everything that is going on in education during this pandemic. We are in school live, then we are virtual. Then some of us are back live on certain days of the week. Then we are all virtual again and we are trying to figure out our schedules. I'm trying to figure out how to meet with all of my students and meet all of their needs, but at the same time, not overwhelm them with too much screen time and work. I'm also trying to make sure I'm not overwhelming the parents.

The one thing that we all need to remember: Balance

Balance is important in everyone's lives right now. It's easy to forget to balance all aspects of your your life. Blogging has actually given me a better sense of balance. Before I started blogging, I would be doing school work until 9:00 at night. My life was completely unbalanced. It was all work. Sure, I'm a teacher. That's my job. But that is not ALL of me. That is not the ONLY thing that makes me who I am.

Who Am I?

Again, I am a teacher...but that is only one part of me. This picture shows how I ended my virtual learning today. But this is NOT all of me. I will not be sitting in front of my laptops all Thanksgiving break doing school work. It would be very easy to do. But being a teacher is not the only thing that makes me ME.

"Who am I?" This is a very important question to ask yourself in order to "rebalance" yourself. You are NOT just one thing. So many things make you "YOU." You should really take the time to think about it. Think deeply...down to the core of who you are. Only YOU have the ability to figure it out. Feel free to comment to this blog or on one of my social media pages where I share this blog post and tell us all about your journey in finding out who you are.

What I plan to do for the rest of the afternoon before heading to my parent's for Thanksgiving break is meditate and try to answer that question myself. I also think I'll stream the rest of that Surfaces album as well to keep this good mood and positive energy going.

Stay positive friends! Lots of love your way...

"Time may change me, but I can't trace time..."

Today's Earworm: David Bowie - "Changes"

It's fitting, really. 

We had a last minute change yesterday afternoon. These two days that we have left of school this week before the break has changed to all-virtual. Today I was supposed to meet with my all-virtual students anyway. But, I just have to do it from home now instead, not from school. Tomorrow though, I'll have to meet with my kiddos who normally come in to school virtually instead of in the classroom. 

Do I like teaching virtually? NOPE. By the end of the school day, my eyes and head hurt from all the screen time. I do have blue light glasses and they help...but it's not a total cure/fix. I miss my classroom. I miss my kiddos. I miss my structure/routine. And as you can see, I miss my normal dining area in my house that has now become my classroom. Here is a selfie I took yesterday. This was taken at the end of the day:

Now, here is a picture of my "classroom" this morning:

Imagine trying to teach 6 year olds how to read and write VIRTUALLY. I'm not going to sugarcoat this one bit! It's nothing against them at all. In fact, I'm very proud of how hard they are all working during these unusual times. But there are certain things that just HAVE to be taught in person. Here I am, using my fingers to tap out the sounds of a word to help a child decode it.

Example: the word "cat:" pinch first finger to the thumb for /c/, middle finger to the thumb for /a/, ring finger to the thumb for /t/. 

Easy peasy? Nope, no easy peasy lemon squeezy here. Just picture it:

"No, not that finger! We start with our first finger. Point to your pointing finger. One sound for the first finger. /c/. No, don't say the whole word, just the first sound. Watch me. Wait, is that a TV that is on and you're watching it? Yes, I know you have a cat, but let's try to tap out the word to SPELL cat. No, wait, come back! I'll give you time to show me your cat later!"

The one perk right now? At least I don't have to wear a mask while teaching. YOU try teaching the /th/ sound to a child wearing a mask! Normally I direct their attention to my mouth so they can see my mouth formation: bite down slightly on your toungue with your front teeth, making a "tongue sandwich." Nope, they can't see it with my mask on in the classroom. And I can't see if they are making the sound correctly either since their masks are on. Sure I try to listen, but the /th/ and /f/ sounds are pretty similar and are commonly mixed up with the children at this age.

These poor kids and these poor parents! I've had so many reach out to me thanking ME for MY patience! But really, THEY are the real rock stars because they are pretty much becoming teachers themselves during virtual learning while I'm meeting with other students and they are required to do assignments and watch video lessons. So to all the parents out there reading this:

THANK YOU!

And not just my own students' parents. Parents of all young children who are learning virtually everywhere. You have no idea how grateful all of us are for your support! It would be a lot more difficult and stressful if it wasn't for you!

So what am I doing NOW to help my students AND my parents? I'm creating a class playlist. We have certain songs that I've introduced them to already. They can be found on my Classroom Playlist page. But now I'm wanting to hear more from the students and parents. I want to hear about the songs that make THEM smile and the songs that cheer them up when they're having a rough day. What I'm going to do is create an Amazon Music playlist of all of the kid appropriate songs they share and play them for the students and parents as they log into our daily Morning Meetings and wait for it to start. I want to start each day in a cheerful way and play music that resonates with them. I'm continuing to try to use music as therapy with my students, but ALSO with my parents.

This school year has been stressful on everyone...teachers, students, and parents. I'm just trying to make these times less strange for us and make us feel more at ease. We will "turn and face the strange..."

Now, off I go to the hair salon to get these gray hairs colored.

🎵"And so the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strange
Ch-ch-changes
Don't tell them to grow up and out of it."🎵

-David Bowie, "Changes"

After School Unwind Session: "Well, I've been thinking too much"

Today was not my finest. We are all allowed those kinds of days. But, just like I tell my students, we have to pay attention to how we react to things. Only WE can control how we react. Many things were setting different emotions off for me. But, I kept myself in check. I reminded myself that it's all about my mindset and I tried to keep my energy shield up, blocking out negative energy and only letting in the positive.

Now Spinning: 

Gary Clark Jr. - Live/North America 2016

Key lyric:
"This music is my healing
This music is my healing
Lord knows I need some healing
'Cause when this world upsets me
This music sets me free, yeah"
Gary Clark Jr. - "The Healing"

That lyric is absolutely perfect for me in this moment. And listening to this live album is exactly what I needed. As I listen to this album, it brings me back to the few times that I was able to see him live in concert. 

The first time I saw Gary Clark Jr. live, I was in awe. I heard some of his stuff before just from streaming music. This boy can play! He is bringing the blues back! It's been a long time since we have had some really good blues/blues rock. Think about it...has there been anyone in the last few decades that could really move you like B.B. King, Muddy Waters, or Robert Johnson? Robert Johnson passed before my time. Muddy Waters left this world when I was only 2 years old. But I was blessed enough to have had the chance to see B.B. King live. I went alone to this concert because it was last minute and I really didn't know of anyone who would be interesting in seeing him, Al Green, and Little Richard. (yes, it was as amazing as that lineup sounds!) 

Getting to see Gary Clark Jr. live was great because I could FINALLY see some good, live blues/rock of modern times. It was a phenomenal show. So, when the opportunity came around again to see him, I knew I had to go back for some more! I got a friend of mine to join me and really pumped him up on what to expect, how his mind will be blown away and how he will get all "the feels." I just couldn't wait to share this live experience with someone who never saw him live before!

Well, sadly, this show wasn't as good as the first for me. Honestly, it was a bit of a letdown. So much so that we left a little early just to beat the crowd and the traffic. I NEVER leave concerts early! It's not that it was a BAD show. It was just...meh. He was playing a lot of his brand new songs. Most of the songs all sounded the same to me. And I don't think the sound in the venue was the greatest that night as well.

I'm a concert junkie. So with as many concerts as I go to, there will of course be some let downs. 

The Takeaway
After listening, unwinding, and reflecting this evening, I have to realize that we all will have an off-day. We can't hold this high standards and high expectations and assume that each day will go smoothly. We will just let ourselves down. I'm not saying that we should have expectations and standards to live by each day and try to accomplish. However, we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves when things fail...or when we fail. We need to reflect and learn from it. We have to keep moving forward. 

We are the rock stars of our own shows. Only we can control how we live it, how we learn from it, and how we grow each and everyday. 

Even when we feel like the crowd is booing us, the show must go on.

After School Unwind Session: "People are strange..."

On this very chilly day, I need some good, classic music to warm me up. Today I was in the mood to listen to The Doors. I have a few of their albums, so it took some time to decide which one to go with. 

Now Spinning:
The Doors - Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mine (1972) Record Store Day Limited Edition on
Translucent Amber Vinyl (5,500 numbered copies)

What pushed me to this album today?

• The warm amber color of the vinyl
• Some of my favorite doors songs appear on this 2LP 
• It's been a while since I played this one

Honestly, I couldn't have gone wrong with any Doors album I chose. For me, the key tracks to this album are as follows:

• The Wasp (Texas Radio & The Big Beat) - there's just something about the beat to this song that I can never get enough of
• The End - talk about a goodbye song! Powerful and deep that may have many meanings
• L.A.Woman - this song is like a rollercoaster; I literally have to put the car in cruise control if it comes on because I'll end up speeding, then slowing down, then back to speeding again.
• Riders on the Storm - last song Morrison recorded, which makes it even more eerie

With only 4 men in the band and the use of only 3 instruments (guitar, keyboard, drums), they made it work! They didn't need a ton of instruments to give their music the depth, beauty, and complexity that we hear. It seems more often than not with today's music, bands need and want many members on a variety of instruments. Don't worry, I'm not knocking it! Some of my favorite bands have a long list of musicians and instruments on the stage and their music is amazing! But somehow, these 4 guys made a huge impact with simply a guitar, keyboard, and drums. That should speak volumes about their talent.

So where am I going with all of this? Well, I'm listening and reflecting as I write and a thought came to my mind:

They kept it simple with their instruments and created beautiful music, becoming successful. Can we apply that same concept to our everyday lives?

In today's society, it is so easy to get carried away with things. Need proof? Just look at social media! Everyone posts all of these wonderful things going on in their lives and they try to beef it up as much as they can. Gone are the days of simply taking a picture and praying it comes out nicely and not cutting off someone's head. Now, it is more like a competition to prove that our lives are better than anyone else's. I know, I know...most of us don't actually consciously think that. But think about it: why are people filtering their pictures, cropping them, and using other editing techniques? They want to fluff it up to make it seem as perfect as possible. By the time we are done fluffing it up, it looks almost NOTHING like the original! The same can be said about written posts with no pictures.

WHY do we need to fluff things up?

My opinion...society is making us that way. And that makes me very sad. Why can't we be happy with simple things? Please don't think I'm judging and throwing everyone into one big group. But do me a favor and scroll through your Instagram, SnapChat, Facebook...whatever you have. You will see more "fluffed up" and "bedazzled" posts and pictures than authentic and natural ones. For me it is mentally draining to scroll through anymore. It's either all bragging (which subconsciously makes us feel bad about ourselves) or it's tearing others apart (which just throws negative energy into our lives).

"Whoever controls the media controls the mind." 
- Jim Morrison

Back To The Basics

As a whole, I think we need to be more comfortable with who we are and what we do and be proud of every part of it...flaws and all. That's what makes us human. We need to have the confidence and the courage to be real and raw, like The Doors with their stripped down music (minus the drugs and addictions). That is where the real beauty is...not just with physical appearances, but in everything that we do.

So with all of that being said, I want to really start keeping things simple and real in my personal life and at work. I want to be more true to myself. I don't want to make myself crazy biting off more than I can chew, get attention, and try to live up to these horrible social media standards. I've already taken a giant step back from social media, which is a huge step and the first step in the process. Now I need to just take pride in who I am and focus on the simple things that make me happy, create positivity, and spread love and joy. 

That's it. 

The bare bones. 

The simple and raw me.

I hope that all of you will also appreciate the simple things as well and be proud of yourself for who you are and everything that you have accomplished in your life. You deserve it.

Love yourself...flaws and all.

"Ain't No Mountain High Enough"

Do you ever hear a song that immediately brings you back to a specific time and place in your life? You may have quite a few songs that do that to you! If you have the desire to read up on WHY that happens, check out this article by Tiffany Jenkins (the brain is so fascinating to me!). 

Today as I was watching football with the family, a commercial came on that brought me back in time to my first year teaching.

Today's Track: "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

You might be wondering why on earth a 1967 Motown love song reminds me of my first year teaching. Well, hop into my time machine so I can take you back to 2003...

September 2003...I was 22 years old...just a baby and fresh out of college! I taught third grade in Atlantic City, NJ my first year teaching and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Literally...my first day there to set up my room, I had to ask administration exactly what grade did they hired me for because no one even told me!

It was a very tough year, to say the least. I'm sure there are more teachers than not that could say that they questioned their career path their first year teaching. I questioned it every day. These kids pushed me. I honestly didn't think I was going to last the school year without resigning or having a nervous break down. I dealt with a variety of behavioral issues, broke up fights, all while trying to make my classroom a "safe place" for my kids. Yes, I STILL call them "my kids." I know they came from so many different backgrounds, family dynamics, and economic statuses. But to me, they were all just third graders who I knew really needed me. And I needed them.

I'm not stupid. I know quite a few of them were trying to scare me away. They probably took one look at me that first day and placed bets on how long I would last! We had "classroom grandmas" who came and volunteered in classrooms to help out. I knew I was in over my head when my classroom grandma left me in the dust after 2 weeks. 

I would call my mother daily, usually in tears, telling her how I managed to survive another day. And she would call me every morning to make sure I got myself into my car and drive back to school for another day of teaching. Well, one morning on my drive in, "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" came on my iPhone's shuffle. I listened to it with a different set of ears. I knew these kids needed me, no matter how high they built their walls around them or how hard they pushed me away. I knew I had to do whatever it took to get to them. If I reached ONE child, it was an accomplishment in my mind. 

So picture this young, too-skinny white girl with no rhythm blasting this song for the kids and telling them to listen to the lyrics as I sang and danced around the room. Of course they thought I finally lost my mind. To their credit, I probably did. But I was determined to get them to let their walls down. I told them that I was here for THEM. There was a reason that I got this job as my first teaching job right out of college. It was what I was meant to do in that moment in time and nothing was going to stop me from being there for them, no matter how hard they pushed me away. 

I started staying after school to reteach everything from the day for any student who wanted to stay since we had so many disruptions due to behaviors. Soon, I was having my regulars show up. Then some of my regulars had their siblings younger and older hang out with us as well. It wasn't all academics. We talked about whatever was on their minds.

One day one of my students came in so excited because his mom got that evening off and was going to be home for dinner and they had a nice meal all planned out to have all together with the family. I was so happy for him because his mom worked crazy shifts at the casinos and she usually wasn't home for dinner. Well, it turned out that she ended up getting called in to cover for someone. He was heartbroken. I called her up and asked her if I could take him and his siblings for pizza. Of course she at first told me that it was not necessary. But I told her that I wanted to do something special for her and for her kids. She was a hard working mom and these kids have been staying after school to try to keep their grades up. So she gave in. You would have thought that I gave these kids a million dollars! I was so proud of them sitting there, tucking their napkins into their shirts, and using the manners that I kept trying to instill in them. 

These "kids" are now 26 years old. Teachers don't realize how old they are until they hear how old their former students are! I'm friends with that child and his siblings on social media and it was just his birthday. So I wished him a happy birthday. Can you believe he STILL remembers that day!

Throughout that year, we listened to the song and sang the song as a reminder that I wasn't giving up on them and that I didn't want them to give up on me. It slowly became our classroom theme song.

So today, when I heard that song play on a commercial, my heart swelled up and I was taken back to that first year of my career. Now I'm in my 18th year of teaching. I still think of those "kids" daily. They made me the teacher that I am today. They put me through the wringer, but I am grateful for that. I try to imagine the type of teacher I would have turned out to be if they didn't toughen me up and challenge me the way they did. 

As a teacher, it is so important to reflect on your school days. I go even further and think back and reflect on past years. Those years molded me. They also keep me grounded. They keep me true to my core. They are reminders of how far I have come. Trust me. There have been many rough years within my 18 years of teaching. But I look at each of those experiences and take them as learning experiences. Don't get me wrong, it is very difficult getting through those tough times and extremely hard to stay positive. I'm far from perfect and there are many times that I'm extremely hard on myself and question what in the world I'm doing. But we all need to remember to stop, take a breath, and remind ourselves that we aren't going to have picture perfect days every day in our teaching careers. We will have some pretty horrible days where we are ugly crying when we get home! But, we are human. We will survive it as long as we support each other.

So this year, 2020, it is definitely one for the books. Never in my wildest dreams would I have pictured myself teaching children live in my classroom and virtually to children who are home. Yes, we are ALL struggling. But, we will survive it. We will be stronger teachers from this. Sure, we might be crying into our pillows some mornings thinking that we can't do one more day of this virtual stuff! Sure, we may all have carpel tunnel from all of the extra computer work and neck and eye problems from looking at the screen so long. And yes, we will cringe every time we hear someone say "mute," "zoom," "google meet," and "glitching" in the future. But, we will get through it and (eventually) laugh about it in years to come.

How do I know this? Because today I'm smiling to myself with a full heart as I remember my first students back from 2003. It was a rough year...but I survived it. My students survived it. And, I have my students to thank for making me the teacher that I am today.