"So I dig, deep in the belly of my soul"

Throughout the last few months, I have had an interest in learning more about Reiki and experiencing it firsthand. I've been practicing some of my own meditation and self care rituals, but I wanted to add a Reiki experience to my list of practices. So, today I went to my first Reiki session and it was better than I imagined. 

My Reiki master was very thorough. I was there for just slightly over two hours for the actually Reiki session and an intuitive reading afterwards that dug deep into my many layers and how to move forward. Best of all, she recorded the reading so I can hear her explanations again to remember things. She is also emailing me a report. I'm not going to go into all of the details of my reading, but I will share some of the highlights.

Who Am I?

If you have been following my blog, you may recall one of my latest blog posts that dug into the question of "Who Am I?" a little bit. It turns out that I need to do just that. According to my Reiki master, she said that right now I'm so full of what others expect me to be or what others think I am. But I need to dig down deep within myself to figure out what makes me ME. If you would have seen the look on my face!!! 

Another thing worth mentioning was that I'm supposed to be doing something BIGGER. What that is, I do not know. She asked me if I had any idea what it would be if I wasn't teaching. I told her about my passion for music and that I recently started a blog. She said that what I'm doing could be a stepping stone for something big to come. My energy field was just so huge and bright that it was "too big for my body and for what I'm doing in my life." 

She unveiled some of my fears that she got from the reading. I had mentioned to her that I am so full of anxiety sometimes that I don't even know where it is coming from. She found that I have a fear of not having enough time to do everything that I want and need to do. I also have a fear of failure. Both are true. I'm always rushing around, talking a mile a minute, as if there isn't enough time for everything. And yes, I'm always extremely hesitant of breaking out of my comfort zone for fear of failure.

The final thing from the reading that I want to share is that from my solar plexus down, she could not get any reading. There were no vibrations. I then shared with her that when I meditate, I visualize so vividly and I can feel its effects. However, my legs end up feeling like lead! She said I need to start doing some yoga to begin opening up those other chakras.

So....now what?!

I need use everything that I have gained from this reiki experiences to my benefit. But where to start? Well, I definitely need to come up with a plan:

• Get into a good yoga routine.
• Dig down deep to know and understand who I really am
• Find some good throat and heart chakra meditations to open them up even more
• When I start to feel the onset of anxiety arising, I need to face it head on and pick it apart to figure out what the actual trigger is. 

Life's Music Connection:

Now Playing: 

Maggie Koerner - "Dig Down Deep"

Album: Dig Down Deep EP

Let me introduce you to a powerhouse of a woman vocalist, Miss Maggie Koerner. I fell in love with her the first time I saw her live in Pompono Beach, Florida, back in April 2017. I remember the moment she opened her mouth to sing, the world around me stood still. I got chills. The only thing that existed at that moment in time was her voice and her lyrics. 

Maggie Koerner
CrawDebauchery Food and Music Festival
Pompano Beach, Florida
April 2017

Me and Maggie Koerner
World Cafe Live
Philadelphia, PA
September 18, 2019

Her music has really helped me through a lot since then. To be quite honest, I listen to her a lot at school after I put the children on their buses just to release any anxieties of the day. Certain artists speak to me. It's like they know what is going on in my head and their music is my antidote for any stress that I'm feeling.

So, the simple answer to many of my questions has been there all along. It was right in front of my face the entire time. It has been playing through my car, phone, and home speakers multiple days of the week. And yet I never REALLY listened to what Maggie was saying: 

"What do you say once in the light of day
What do you find once give in to time
So I did, so I dig, down in the belly of my soul
Dig down deep, deep deep deep
Deep in the belly where I lay"
-Maggie Koerner, "Dig Down Deep"

My Reiki master told me today that the reason I'm so exhausted is because I'm constantly trying to consciously figure things out within myself. That is what is draining all of the energy out of me. This whole time I thought I was exhausted from trying to block out negativity. The truth is, I need to stop trying to CONSCIOUSLY figure things out because it is deeper than that. Instead it needs to be done on a subconscious level. How? Maybe meditation. She even suggested using some singing bowls since I respond so well to music and sound.

I'm very glad I tried out Reiki today. The funny thing is, now that I am more aware of myself, my chakras, and my energy field, I have even more questions about myself. 

But, isn't that what always happens? Life can be such a puzzle sometimes. But I'll continue to piece together what makes me ME.

After School Unwind Session: "People are strange..."

On this very chilly day, I need some good, classic music to warm me up. Today I was in the mood to listen to The Doors. I have a few of their albums, so it took some time to decide which one to go with. 

Now Spinning:
The Doors - Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mine (1972) Record Store Day Limited Edition on
Translucent Amber Vinyl (5,500 numbered copies)

What pushed me to this album today?

• The warm amber color of the vinyl
• Some of my favorite doors songs appear on this 2LP 
• It's been a while since I played this one

Honestly, I couldn't have gone wrong with any Doors album I chose. For me, the key tracks to this album are as follows:

• The Wasp (Texas Radio & The Big Beat) - there's just something about the beat to this song that I can never get enough of
• The End - talk about a goodbye song! Powerful and deep that may have many meanings
• L.A.Woman - this song is like a rollercoaster; I literally have to put the car in cruise control if it comes on because I'll end up speeding, then slowing down, then back to speeding again.
• Riders on the Storm - last song Morrison recorded, which makes it even more eerie

With only 4 men in the band and the use of only 3 instruments (guitar, keyboard, drums), they made it work! They didn't need a ton of instruments to give their music the depth, beauty, and complexity that we hear. It seems more often than not with today's music, bands need and want many members on a variety of instruments. Don't worry, I'm not knocking it! Some of my favorite bands have a long list of musicians and instruments on the stage and their music is amazing! But somehow, these 4 guys made a huge impact with simply a guitar, keyboard, and drums. That should speak volumes about their talent.

So where am I going with all of this? Well, I'm listening and reflecting as I write and a thought came to my mind:

They kept it simple with their instruments and created beautiful music, becoming successful. Can we apply that same concept to our everyday lives?

In today's society, it is so easy to get carried away with things. Need proof? Just look at social media! Everyone posts all of these wonderful things going on in their lives and they try to beef it up as much as they can. Gone are the days of simply taking a picture and praying it comes out nicely and not cutting off someone's head. Now, it is more like a competition to prove that our lives are better than anyone else's. I know, I know...most of us don't actually consciously think that. But think about it: why are people filtering their pictures, cropping them, and using other editing techniques? They want to fluff it up to make it seem as perfect as possible. By the time we are done fluffing it up, it looks almost NOTHING like the original! The same can be said about written posts with no pictures.

WHY do we need to fluff things up?

My opinion...society is making us that way. And that makes me very sad. Why can't we be happy with simple things? Please don't think I'm judging and throwing everyone into one big group. But do me a favor and scroll through your Instagram, SnapChat, Facebook...whatever you have. You will see more "fluffed up" and "bedazzled" posts and pictures than authentic and natural ones. For me it is mentally draining to scroll through anymore. It's either all bragging (which subconsciously makes us feel bad about ourselves) or it's tearing others apart (which just throws negative energy into our lives).

"Whoever controls the media controls the mind." 
- Jim Morrison

Back To The Basics

As a whole, I think we need to be more comfortable with who we are and what we do and be proud of every part of it...flaws and all. That's what makes us human. We need to have the confidence and the courage to be real and raw, like The Doors with their stripped down music (minus the drugs and addictions). That is where the real beauty is...not just with physical appearances, but in everything that we do.

So with all of that being said, I want to really start keeping things simple and real in my personal life and at work. I want to be more true to myself. I don't want to make myself crazy biting off more than I can chew, get attention, and try to live up to these horrible social media standards. I've already taken a giant step back from social media, which is a huge step and the first step in the process. Now I need to just take pride in who I am and focus on the simple things that make me happy, create positivity, and spread love and joy. 

That's it. 

The bare bones. 

The simple and raw me.

I hope that all of you will also appreciate the simple things as well and be proud of yourself for who you are and everything that you have accomplished in your life. You deserve it.

Love yourself...flaws and all.

After School Unwind Session: The Deep Tracks

Have you ever started a hobby or anything to do in your spare time and enjoy it so much that it makes you wonder, "Why did I wait so long to try this out?" That is exactly how I'm feeling with blogging. I always enjoyed writing, but I usually wrote a lot of poetry. Then of course when I slowly stopped writing, I had the old, overused excuse "I'm too busy...life is getting in the way." But I had a couple friends within the last few months mention to me and say "Mel, you should be blogging or vlogging!" I thought, yea, sure...someday maybe I'll give it a try. But only recently did I finally decide to dive in head first. Mentally, I don't think I was quite ready to begin my blogging journey months ago. I believe I had to wait until something hit me hard enough to make me passionate about writing. And obviously now, I'm ready.

Now Spinning: Muddy Waters - I'm Ready

🎵 "I'm ready, ready as anybody can be

Now I'm ready for you, I hope you're ready for me."🎵 

- Muddy Waters

Man, do I love listening to the blues. It puts me in a special kind of mood. I can't even begin to try to think of the word to describe this mood. Creative? Deep? When I listen to Muddy, I FEEL it. It's in my chest, then goes through my veins. I have to close my eyes and either sway or rock forward and back to the beat. This might sound insane, but I would LOVE to have a scan of my brain and body to see what happens when different types of music is played and compare them to each other as well as when no music is being played for me. I'm sure chemicals are being released from the brain...I would just love to know more about the physical affects of music on the body. So, if there are any doctors or music therapists out there who would be interested in this case study...I'm your girl!

Passion

Ok, so as I'm listening and writing, I'm thinking about having passions and how they drive us. I believe you need to be passionate about something in order to do it right. I'm noticing every day after work I have the desire to blog. It's never forced and I will never try to force it. But, does that mean that as long as we are passionate about something, we will always succeed? Well, I'm not so sure...

As you already know from reading my blogs, I'm extremely passionate about music. One of the things that I've always wanted to do was learn to play an instrument. Preferably guitar and piano. And yet here I am, 39 years old, and I haven't learned either. So why is that? If I'm so passionate, why haven't I learned yet?

To me, there is much more involved than just passion. You need the drive, the dedication, and the discipline. I can easily say that I'm passionate to learn music and I have the drive to learn it. However, I never dedicated any time faithfully to learn it or disciplined myself enough to stay on a routine to teach myself.

Did you see what I did just there?

I actually dug down deep and got real with myself. I mean, why lie to myself? It won't get me anywhere. I did a little self-evaluation to figure out what my problem is. So maybe that is the first step that we all need to take with not just figuring out why we never picked up a hobby that sparked interest within us, but with EVERYTHING that we do.

WHY?!

Three letters. One syllable. For such a small word, it truly is huge! Since wondering why I  haven't learned to play an instrument yet, I'm now asking myself more questions, diving in even deeper...

• Why do I love music so much?
• Why do I even want to learn?
• Why am I not dedicating time to learn?

Wow. That got pretty deep pretty fast. You see what blues music does to me?!

So now that we dug a little bit into our passions together, did I spark anything in you? Are you asking yourself some questions about your own passions? This "Unwind Session" was just the tip of the iceberg for me. So the important thing for all of us now is to do SOMETHING with everything we gained from looking deeply within ourselves. For me, who knows what that "something" will look like. Maybe I should look into actual guitar lessons from someone since I do not have the self-discipline to do it on my own. All I know is that if you don't attempt to explore your passions, you will never know what you are missing out on.

"Ain't No Mountain High Enough"

Do you ever hear a song that immediately brings you back to a specific time and place in your life? You may have quite a few songs that do that to you! If you have the desire to read up on WHY that happens, check out this article by Tiffany Jenkins (the brain is so fascinating to me!). 

Today as I was watching football with the family, a commercial came on that brought me back in time to my first year teaching.

Today's Track: "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

You might be wondering why on earth a 1967 Motown love song reminds me of my first year teaching. Well, hop into my time machine so I can take you back to 2003...

September 2003...I was 22 years old...just a baby and fresh out of college! I taught third grade in Atlantic City, NJ my first year teaching and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Literally...my first day there to set up my room, I had to ask administration exactly what grade did they hired me for because no one even told me!

It was a very tough year, to say the least. I'm sure there are more teachers than not that could say that they questioned their career path their first year teaching. I questioned it every day. These kids pushed me. I honestly didn't think I was going to last the school year without resigning or having a nervous break down. I dealt with a variety of behavioral issues, broke up fights, all while trying to make my classroom a "safe place" for my kids. Yes, I STILL call them "my kids." I know they came from so many different backgrounds, family dynamics, and economic statuses. But to me, they were all just third graders who I knew really needed me. And I needed them.

I'm not stupid. I know quite a few of them were trying to scare me away. They probably took one look at me that first day and placed bets on how long I would last! We had "classroom grandmas" who came and volunteered in classrooms to help out. I knew I was in over my head when my classroom grandma left me in the dust after 2 weeks. 

I would call my mother daily, usually in tears, telling her how I managed to survive another day. And she would call me every morning to make sure I got myself into my car and drive back to school for another day of teaching. Well, one morning on my drive in, "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" came on my iPhone's shuffle. I listened to it with a different set of ears. I knew these kids needed me, no matter how high they built their walls around them or how hard they pushed me away. I knew I had to do whatever it took to get to them. If I reached ONE child, it was an accomplishment in my mind. 

So picture this young, too-skinny white girl with no rhythm blasting this song for the kids and telling them to listen to the lyrics as I sang and danced around the room. Of course they thought I finally lost my mind. To their credit, I probably did. But I was determined to get them to let their walls down. I told them that I was here for THEM. There was a reason that I got this job as my first teaching job right out of college. It was what I was meant to do in that moment in time and nothing was going to stop me from being there for them, no matter how hard they pushed me away. 

I started staying after school to reteach everything from the day for any student who wanted to stay since we had so many disruptions due to behaviors. Soon, I was having my regulars show up. Then some of my regulars had their siblings younger and older hang out with us as well. It wasn't all academics. We talked about whatever was on their minds.

One day one of my students came in so excited because his mom got that evening off and was going to be home for dinner and they had a nice meal all planned out to have all together with the family. I was so happy for him because his mom worked crazy shifts at the casinos and she usually wasn't home for dinner. Well, it turned out that she ended up getting called in to cover for someone. He was heartbroken. I called her up and asked her if I could take him and his siblings for pizza. Of course she at first told me that it was not necessary. But I told her that I wanted to do something special for her and for her kids. She was a hard working mom and these kids have been staying after school to try to keep their grades up. So she gave in. You would have thought that I gave these kids a million dollars! I was so proud of them sitting there, tucking their napkins into their shirts, and using the manners that I kept trying to instill in them. 

These "kids" are now 26 years old. Teachers don't realize how old they are until they hear how old their former students are! I'm friends with that child and his siblings on social media and it was just his birthday. So I wished him a happy birthday. Can you believe he STILL remembers that day!

Throughout that year, we listened to the song and sang the song as a reminder that I wasn't giving up on them and that I didn't want them to give up on me. It slowly became our classroom theme song.

So today, when I heard that song play on a commercial, my heart swelled up and I was taken back to that first year of my career. Now I'm in my 18th year of teaching. I still think of those "kids" daily. They made me the teacher that I am today. They put me through the wringer, but I am grateful for that. I try to imagine the type of teacher I would have turned out to be if they didn't toughen me up and challenge me the way they did. 

As a teacher, it is so important to reflect on your school days. I go even further and think back and reflect on past years. Those years molded me. They also keep me grounded. They keep me true to my core. They are reminders of how far I have come. Trust me. There have been many rough years within my 18 years of teaching. But I look at each of those experiences and take them as learning experiences. Don't get me wrong, it is very difficult getting through those tough times and extremely hard to stay positive. I'm far from perfect and there are many times that I'm extremely hard on myself and question what in the world I'm doing. But we all need to remember to stop, take a breath, and remind ourselves that we aren't going to have picture perfect days every day in our teaching careers. We will have some pretty horrible days where we are ugly crying when we get home! But, we are human. We will survive it as long as we support each other.

So this year, 2020, it is definitely one for the books. Never in my wildest dreams would I have pictured myself teaching children live in my classroom and virtually to children who are home. Yes, we are ALL struggling. But, we will survive it. We will be stronger teachers from this. Sure, we might be crying into our pillows some mornings thinking that we can't do one more day of this virtual stuff! Sure, we may all have carpel tunnel from all of the extra computer work and neck and eye problems from looking at the screen so long. And yes, we will cringe every time we hear someone say "mute," "zoom," "google meet," and "glitching" in the future. But, we will get through it and (eventually) laugh about it in years to come.

How do I know this? Because today I'm smiling to myself with a full heart as I remember my first students back from 2003. It was a rough year...but I survived it. My students survived it. And, I have my students to thank for making me the teacher that I am today.